I tend to get stuck in my head and not notice what is in front of me; I’m working on being present to the things that ARE right now, instead of relentlessly navigating the things that WERE or COULD BE or COULD HAVE BEEN in my mind.
My morning walk yields the things that ARE:
~The delicate perfume of honeysuckle enveloping one stretch of pavement
~A lone firefly wafting its way through the air, on the way to ??
~A red-tailed hawk, sounding its piercing cry, watching me through its sight path in the leaves
~Fresh greenery everywhere, infusing the environment with a vibrant green
And when I focus on these things, my mind travels down a path to be thankful for what must be for these things to exist; the not-so-minor miracles I can take for granted:
~Healthy soil to support trees for the honeysuckle to climb on and ultimately, grow and bloom
~The way God created nature to be beautiful and soothing, propagate and support life, renew in different seasons, create ecosystems and habitats
~A little micro-forest right in the middle of suburbia where a hawk can perch, hunt, and nest
~The peace and safety that must exist for me to walk freely and enjoy these sweet gifts
When I take time to meditate on these things – albeit briefly and in a somewhat distracted state – I admit I must humble myself and be reminded that there are many things outside of my control, that they happen beyond my control and even in spite of my control.
I have agency to make choices and the responsibility to steward well, but ultimately, most things do not fall ON ME. I have anxiety even typing this because growing up in pockets of scary chaos, to relinquish control feels unsafe; to admit how little control I actually have is terrifying if I dwell on it.
But I suppose it’s part of my healing, to learn to trust and have faith in something bigger than myself. Believing that a Something…rather a Someone loves me unconditionally and that in the holy relationship I am accepted, loved, and cared for. My heart is willing and my mind fights it, remembering hurt from times past. That’s why I have to bring my spastic mind back again and again to the present, to gratitude, to paying attention and following trails of good things.
It’s in this way I am able slowly, over time, to work out loving God and loving people well. I say work out because it’s a constant learning of what this means in a messy world with messy people and the messy self that I am.
Thank goodness for grace and Emmanuel: God With Us.
Sindy Hankins 