Today begins week 7 of quarantine.
I feel…good. Today feels hopeful, like I’ve been running through fog and clarity is emerging.
When it all started, I felt so stripped down – on leave from work, no makeup, no real pants, no social obligations or responsibilities. I just needed to take care of myself, my family, my home – albeit in the midst of lots of uncertainty and undulating fear.
Without all of the movement and noise, there was room for things to rise to the surface – worries, frustrations, gaps, weak places. Unpleasant at times, but I’ve been through enough introspection to know that these things need to come to the surface to be skimmed away.
So in fits and starts with some tears and eye-rolling and moments of downright discouragement and anxiety, I’ve worked at examining some of these things as they come up. Cleaning my soul, leaving behind the things that no longer serve me.
What I find mainly is that I’ve been so worried about how I appear to others, of what they think I should be and need to do – I’ve lost sight of the true, authentic, pieces of myself that are ME – just me, without performance and striving.
I’ve been working on external efficiencies for enough time that my internal foundation has been crumbling, slowly.
Yet, in my choice to face this fact, I’ve been able to start the process of cleaning and repair. As the muck is filtered, more of my true self comes to light and I can see more deeply into who I am. I can see things that have been lost for a long time start to reappear – glimmers of creativity and hope, room for joy to bloom. Connections to my soul that have been buried beneath the weight of responsibility and external expectations.
There is so much freedom in this.
Equally important is this reminder – whether or not we are in a global pandemic, life does not start nor do circumstances magically become perfect when certain conditions are met, when a checklist of goals is complete, or when certain accomplishments or stages are “mastered.”
Life happens continuously, with constantly shifting circumstances. It’s a daily mix of good things and hard things. It’s a constant filtering and growing. It’s sunshine and storms, happiness and sadness, conflict and resolution, pain and healing, work and rest.
BUT – it is also true that life can happen TO me, or I can actively work with life to shape it. I can have a victim mentality or an attitude of agency. I choose an attitude of agency, of good stewardship and gratitude.
The future is still uncertain, but today I am thankful for the gift of a simplified time so I have been able to face myself and work through things that have desperately needed work.
Sindy Hankins 